Fear of the unknown, fear that someone will steal away my children when I am not looking, fear that they will get knocked down on the road, or even the driveway, fear that they will drown in the bath, fear that they will die in a car accident, fear that they will get lost, fear that they will get involved in drugs, fear that they will develop an incurable illness, fear that they will suffer with mental problems, fear that they will leave and never come back, fear that they will grow up to be psychos, fear that they will hurt each other, fear that they will fall out with their siblings and never speak to them again, fear that one of them will die if I go overseas, fear that one of them will feel abandoned if I do something with the other one, fear that they will just simply not wake up in the morning, fear that the world they are growing up into is too violent, too heartless, too dangerous, fear fear fear fear.
I know it is all completely irrational and that the chances of tragedy befalling my family are small, but I am trapped in this hormone-riddled body, watching my loving family help me out as much as they can by getting the kids out from under my feet, and all I feel is fear that they won’t come back.
In addition, I am tired and grumpy and I lose patience with my kids all too quickly when I am like this, which also makes me feel guilty and sad. This adds to the fears that I am doing them permanent damage and that they will grow up hating me and run far away as soon as they are capable of leaving home.
My mother told me that I would not understand how much she loved me until I had children of my own, and since the birth of my first child I have willingly admitted how right she was. I also understand why my Mother-in-law gladly looks after her adult children who have chosen not to leave home. I just hope this really is hormone-driven and that it will fade in time, my heart cannot cope with the ache for long.