Contemplating eternity

I have always had an irrational fear of getting old and dying. It was a big scary thing when I was a kid that my poor parents didn’t know what to do about. As I got older it sort of faded into the background, but lurked like a bad dream you can’t shake off the next morning.

Now I have kids and it’s cropping up again.

I think it’s because I always seem to be doing the next thing, or getting ready for something or preparing something in advance or making sure we’re ready to be somewhere or trying to remember the routine that I don’t get the chance to just live in the moment. Spontaneity is pretty difficult with 3 kids. I have tried to ensure that if Tareka wakes up one morning and says “lets go swimming” we can just grab the “swimming bag” and off we go, but I am finding increasingly that we have to take account of Kindy, playgroup, doctors appointments, shopping trips and soon school. I know this is what life with kids is all about for a good few years, and I am in no way complaining, but I keep feeling that I am simply not going to have time to do everything in my life! I have visions of the future of me as an old lady on my deathbed saying “but I never got to take them paragliding!” before shuffling off the mortal coil.

I feel like I am constantly planning the next event and never taking time to enjoy what is going on right now. Mapera’s 5^th birthday party seems to have intensified this feeling one hundredfold. I have spent the best part of 2 months preparing – guest list, invitations, decorations, supplies, food, games, wet-weather plans and costumes; mainly to save ourselves money, but also so I am not doing everything over one insane week. Having Kaitereo’s birthday 4 days before also adds complications, as it requires birthday tea at Nana and Poppas, and a cake for playgroup. I am very glad Tareka and I agreed that parties were for special birthdays only (5, 10, 13 and 21) and NOT for every year. I can’t imagine how people put on massive events for their kids every year, it would drive me batshit crazy.

I have sat and thought to myself if I am trying to do too much, as I have a knack for over-committing myself to things, but I have been very careful not to do this since we moved to a new community, so this is all just “every day with kids”. In one week we have Kindy, music, playgroup and ballet, along with the epic shopping trip once a fortnight. When Mapera starts school this will ease off for a few months, as school is only a 10 minute drive away (and only 5 minutes when she starts on the bus) and Kaitereo won’t be starting Kindy til next year, but it all starts up again when Kaitereo goes to Kindy and Hakopa starts crawling and walking.

Right now I am sitting at the computer typing and my girls are playing ballerinas while my boy sits and gurgles at me from his chair. I can watch them play and enjoy the moment for a good 30 minutes til I have to start on dinner, then the bedtime madness begins. Oh bliss!