My Granny is gone

My Granny, who was always fit as a flea and full of life, collapsed on Sunday morning and was rushed to hospital.
She was in intensive care but they could do nothing for her. Her blood pressure dropped and she slipped away with her 2 daughters and her husband by her bedside.

I have just spent the last 24 hours agonising about whether or not I should go. I'd have to take the baby with me as she is still breastfeeding, but she doesn't have a passport and my returning residence visa is out of date.
Part of me - the emotional part - just wants to jump on a plane with the baby and go and be with my family, but the rational part of me is saying it's crazy to scramble all the paperwork together and drag myself across the world. My Grandpa told me not to come, he was worried about me and bub making the trip.

So, I have decided to stay here and get my papers organised properly, then go back early next year when one of my cousins is getting married. I am consoling myself with the thoughts that I managed to get a text to Mum when she was with Granny, telling Gran that I loved her; that Gran would really like me to be at my cousin's wedding and that she got so meet her first great-grandchild at least.

I'm sending this to my Dad for him to read out for me at the funeral:

I remember my Granny

I remember my Granny's hands, tough from work and gardening
I remember my Mum threatening me "Granny will smack you with her rough hands"
and Granny growling

I remember my Granny's smile and her chuckle, warm and genuine and full of love.
I remember the secret thrill of seeing her without her teeth in.

I remember her kitchen in the early morning, cutting crosses in sprouts ready for the roast,
Eating the odd one, cabbagey and hot.

I remember visiting my Granny to present her first great-grandchild.
My Granny crawling around on the floor with my baby,
3 generations apart and no age gap.

I remember my Granny and her sister, together at last after too long.
Arm in arm, tripping down the prom, giggling like schoolgirls.

I remember my Granny and Grandpa after some difficult times.
Quietly holding hands and strolling in the sunshine, together again.

I remember looking for pretty broaches for my Granny,
so she could wear my gifts without her allergy flaring up.

I remember my Granny's writing,
clear and rounded and echoed in my Mum's

I remember my Granny's dressing table,
Hairspray, moisturiser, hairbrush, mirror.

I remember being at home, trying to get up before my Granny in the morning.
I never did it.

Seeing my Granny in my kitchen in her rollers and dressing gown,
meant it was Christmas.